


you are right at home; good night

by thatfangirlingfreak



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: M/M, Welcome to Night Vale - Freeform, and replaced w cake, basically all the beginning of cecilos, compacted into a one shot, it sucks and you won't understand bc the podcast is so, its kind of like gravity falls tho so if ur into that here, weird n strange but a really cool universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 08:31:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5736739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatfangirlingfreak/pseuds/thatfangirlingfreak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bits and pieces of the Welcome to Night Vale podcast, but Cake in place of Cecilos. (it may be confusing and weird and sound like I'm on drugs bUT THIS IS LITERALLY THE PODCAST OKAY)</p>
            </blockquote>





	you are right at home; good night

**Author's Note:**

> all of the dialogue is literally from the podcast I added v few sentences that are mine in here (although my ears may be mistaken at points so wording may be different)
> 
> episodes featured in this one shot: Pilot, The Phone Call, One Year Later, and First Date (all of which u can listen to for free on iTunes)

Luke sits behind his desk, taking a gulp of water and shuffling his papers around.

"You're on in five," One of the interns says. It's probably one of the new ones, as he's never heard this voice before.

He nods, and looks at his notes he took at the town meeting earlier today. Some new people came into town today, but one of them caught his eye.

The guy had perfect, glorious hair. Luke wanted to run his fingers through it. The man with perfect hair is, apparently, a scientist here to study Night Vale.

And oh, his grin was beautiful. Perfect and beautiful, and Luke fell in love with him.

His name is Calum, and he-

The red light flashes, signaling Luke that it is time for his show. He clears his throat, and straightens up in his seat.

"A friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep. Welcome to Night Vale," Luke recites into the microphone. Radio has always been his dream, and he was proud to be living that dream.

His missing mother also seems to be proud, as she's been gone for ages. Disappearance is always a sign of pride, right?

Luke starts talking about the topics on the papers before him, but he's not really paying attention to them today. He says something about Old Women Josie or whatever. But then, he gets to talk about Calum and his perfect hair.

And then he starts paying attention. Calum is just so hot, and he is both distracting and attention grabbing. Which is pretty contradictory.

"He has a square jaw, and teeth like a military cemetery," And oh god, Luke hopes Calum doesn't know about this show.

Luke proceeds to talk as normal, mentioning Calum whenever he can. He makes up his mind to try and get Calum on the show while the weather is happening.

"...And now, the weather."

(today's weather- Tongue Tied July by Michael Brun gr8 song pls listen)

Luke goes out, and sees Calum with some glowing box, looking nervous. He asks. The perfect man declines.

So, the blonde heads back to the station. It's alright, he wasn't expecting Calum to love someone like him instantly. He's not perfect like Calum.

"Good night, Night Vale. Good night," Luke says, ending the broadcast. It's kind of become his catchphrase for the show.

Luke heads home, gazing at the glowing light things above the Arby's as he walks.

\-----

Months later, not much happens with Calum. He's doing his science thing, Luke does his radio thing.

And then...

"Listeners, guess who called me this weekend?" Luke asks excitedly into the microphone. He doesn't like talking about his personal life on air, as the community probably doesn't really care at all about him. He's just that news guy.

"Okay, fine. I'll just say it. Calum!" Luke squeals slightly. "Well, I gave him my home phone number, and he never called. And I didn't think anything of it, right? I mean, sometimes people just don't call and that's okay."

"So," He continues. "To the point. Calum calls, and I'm like 'Hello?' and he's all 'I need to talk to you. This is important.' And I'm like 'Umm, okay.' I mean that's pretty forward, right listeners?! But I don't know what he wants yet."

Luke is starting to blush a lot, remembering the sound of his voice. "And he said, 'Luke.' Oh god, just the sound of his caramel voice! He says, 'Luke, I think time is slowing down in Night Vale.' And I said, 'Oh?' Calum talks about some science data or whatever, and I go 'Uh huh, go on,' trying to sound like a person with a normal pulse, whose palms were not sweating."

"Then he talked about time here compared to everywhere else in the world, blah blah, he has no idea what's happening. So that's what Calum said! Listeners, what do you think? I feel like time always slows down when we're together, Calum and I; is that what he's trying to say? I feel that way too! But I didn't say that, I just said 'Neat!'"

"I'm so embarrassed, listeners. I mean, Calum is so smart, and I'm not dumb! I like science! But that's all I could say, I can't believe it. Neat. However, I asked if he wanted to get together some time to talk about this fascinating subject. He said no, but he wanted me to get the word out to see if anyone noticed a time shift. So that's what I'm doing now! Anything for the scientific community, I'm very into science these days."

"Wow," Luke gushes. "Can you believe he called me?!"

\-----

Later, during the traffic report, as he asks if this report has filled an emptiness for the audience, he hears his phone buzzing on the desk.

"Listeners, during the past few stories, my phone has been silently buzzing. You guessed who! It would be completely inappropriate for me to answer my phone now, regardless of how much I want to soak my ears in the oaky tones of our community's most significant outsider."

"But, he left me some voicemails. This may be a bit unorthodox, but I need your help, dear listeners, to help me decipher where Calum is going with all this, okay? What do you think he's trying to say?"

~Calum's 1st message~

"Luke, I need you to get the word out that clocks in Night Vale are not real. I've checked, and they're all fake. Every clock I've found doesn't have any gears, or batteries. Some even have this grey matter insi-there's something at my door, Luke. I need to go, okay? I'll call you back in o-well I don't know."

~message 2~

"There's a man at my door," Calum whispers. "He's in a tan jacket holding a briefcase. He's not knocking just...standing there, staring at the door. I can't see his face, I'm peering through my blinds, I-oh no, he saw me."

~message 3~

"Sorry about that Luke," Calum says in his normal voice. "I think someone came over, but I don't know who or what for. Anyway, I need to meet you; are you free tomorrow afternoon? You have a contact number for the mayor, and someone with the police, right? It's important that I find them, and again, can you get the word out on your radio show about the clocks?"

~end of messages~

"Did you hear that listeners?! A date," Luke exclaims. "Let's go to the weather!"

(today's weather: penguin by Christina Perri bc cake anthem)

\-----

"Well I just got off the phone with Calum, and we have a date for tomorrow afternoon! It's just coffee, but maybe it's more! Maybe lots more," Luke says suggestively. "Who knows?"

"Thank you again, Night Vale. May you too find love in this dark desert. May it be as permanent as the blinking lights, and as comforting as the dull roar of space. Good night, Night Vale. Good night."

\-----

"We begin today's broadcast with some breaking news. There is a disturbance occurring at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex. There are reports of chanting and machinery noises under the pin retrieval area of lane five. And Teddy Williams has changed all the bowlers' names on the electronic score boards to 'THEY. ARE. HERE,'" Luke reports.

"And Calum, sweet Calum, brave Calum, was last seen approaching the entrance to the underground city, saying that someone had to get to the bottom of this and that Teddy Williams was deranged. Teddy Williams was then last seen saying 'Oh yeah, oh yeah? Say that to my face, big shot.' But Calum, my poor Calum, was already gone."

"I fear, Night Vale. The Apache tracker stood outside of the bowling alley, glowering at the entrance and shaking his head. May I remind you, this is the white guy who likes to dress in a cartoonish approximation of a Native American, and claims to have 'mystical powers.' He's a real racist jerk, and no one likes him."

"Anyways, back to Calum," Luke sighs dreamily into the microphone. "Calum the scientist. Perfect of stature, perfect of tone and taut. Perfect of hair."

"Today marks one year since two major events in our town, listeners. First, the opening of our state of the art dog park. Which is forbidden, and which I will not mention again. Second, and most important, it is one year since the arrival of our most beloved and singular citizen, Calum, with his golden voice and perfect speech."

"I had arranged a small ceremony to mark this occasion," Luke explains. "And invited Calum to attend; however, it appears that he will be...delayed. But, I am not upset. I know he will be there for the ceremony. I have the trophy here in my hand, and I am not upset, Calum will be here," He insists.

\-----

"Oh happy day! I have just received word that Calum has returned from the underground city. He told everyone to follow him, and lead everyone into the pin retrieval area. They were soon on a cliff, overlooking that dreaded subterranean metropolis. This was the first time most of them had seen the city. It was more distant than most expected. They could hear the approaching footsteps of the army, the chanting."

"Many of them quaked with fear," Luke continued. "But not Calum. My brave Calum stepped out into the pit, climbing down the slope. 'Behold,' Calum said. 'This is not a big city miles below the earth. It is a very small city about ten feet below the earth, occupied by tiny people who have had to spend a year slowly climbing the ten feet to our world. We have nothing to fear.'"

"Well, if Calum says it, I will happily repeat it. We have nothing to fear, and never did," Luke ends the story.

\-----

"...I really get tired of having to say this, but angels aren't real," Luke says, completing another segment. An intern enters, and hands him a sheet of paper.

"Oh...a truly fearful thing has happened, listeners," The radio host says in a grave, sad voice. "Calum, standing in the toy scaled city, was attacked by tiny people using explosives. He fell back in the pit of the pin retrieval area of lane 5. Blood welled through his shirt, and here I am. Stuck in my booth. Useless, only able to narrate and unable to help."

Luke sniffs, "He collapsed completely. S-so much...blood. Curse this town that saw Calum die. Curse me. Curse it all," He cries.

"Let us take a moment to-let us...take this moment-ladies and gentlemen let us mourn the pas-...I can't! I can't," Luke sobs. "I am still holding the trophy, I...we go now to this pre-recorded public service announcement."

\-----

"Ladies, gentleman. How...wonderful. Calum is not dead at all! It seems that the Apache tracker ran in, and heaved Calum up, carrying him out of the pit while being attacked viciously by the tiny people."

"Teddy Williams, whom is also a doctor, as all bowling alley owners should be, checked his wounds and confirmed that Calum will be, in fact, okay! He's okay! Never before in my career have I gone through such a rollercoaster of emotion. To think that I had lost that most precious thing to me, the presence of Calum in my life. And to have him brought back, so I could appreciate it all the more."

"Oh Calum, all the words I would've never said to you!" Luke gasps. "So I say to you, listeners, with a light heart, good night-oh no. This is not good news. I've just been handed a note. During the rescue of our beloved Calum, the Apache tracker has been mortally wounded. He is bleeding profusely and he says that even his ancient Indian magics will not help him. Which of course they won't, because they're not real."

"Listeners," Luke says into his microphone. "How could I have been so wrong about this man? A racist embarrassment to our town? Yes. A real jerk? Of course. But he, at the cost of his own life, saved Calum. Calum breathes and soon the Apache tracker will not. He said a Native American chant, before Teddy Williams confirmed that the Apache tracker is indeed dead."

"Good night, Apache tracker. I thought you were one thing and you turned out to be another. It is likely that I will...learn nothing from this. And-oh!" Luke exclaims. "Message on my phone. Calum wants to see me. He says to meet him at the Arby's parking lot. I am not sure what scientific exploration now needs the services of my radio expertise, but I will meet him. Let us go now to the weather."

(today's weather: Take Me Home by Pentatonix bc I feel that it fits gentle moments like this)

\-----

"I arrived at the parking lot to find Calum perched on the trunk of his car in flannel and jeans, his perfect hair ruffled and his perfect teeth hidden. 'What is it,' I said, 'What danger are we in?' He shook his head. 'Nothing,' He said. 'I just wanted to see you.' My heart leapt, my heart soared! My heart metaphorically performed a number of aerial activities, and literally began to beat hard."

"'Oh?' I said, my voice more tremble than word. Calum looked at the setting sun. 'I used to think it was setting at the wrong time,' He said. 'But then I realized that time doesn't work in Night Vale, and that none of the clocks are real. Sometimes things seem so strange, but then you find that underneath, it was something else all together. Something pure and innocent.'"

"'I know what you mean,' I replied. Somewhere the tiny people from the city below have arrived in Night Vale, and are beginning their war against us, having already shown themselves capable of murder. Somewhere, a man in a tan jacket is whispering into the ears of our mayor, and we do not know what agenda they pursue. Somewhere the body of the Apache tracker lies cold, never to speak of ancient Indian magics again. This all happens somewhere else."

"But here, Calum and I sat on the trunk of that car, his car, looking together at the lights in the sky above the Arby's. They were beautiful, shimmering in the night sky already coming alive with bits of the universe. One year later. One year since he arrived. He put his hand on my knee, and said nothing, and I knew what he meant. I felt the same. I leaned my head on his shoulder. We understand the lights above the Arby's, we understand so much. But the sky behind those lights; mostly void, partially stars? That sky reminds us we don't understand even more. Good night, Night Vale. Good night," Luke finishes, turning in his desk chair to look out the window.

He sees the night sky, and in the distance sees the glowing sign of the Arby's, and smiles fondly.

\-----

"Let's start with a simple greeting, and then, let's move into the most exciting news. The most wonderful news," Luke smiles, beginning the broadcast.

"As you may remember, a few weeks ago, Calum finally returned my expressions of affection. And not in that dry science way he always used to use, saying things like 'I'm not calling for personal reasons, I'm calling to let your audience know that a strange hole might appear in your wall.' Also, a strange hole might appear in your wall."

"But yesterday, when he called me he started the call by saying, 'I am calling for personal reasons. Also, my calculations show a strange source of energy approaching the town, but it is not emitting the sort of light such a source should.' Isn't that so sweet?"

"And well, one thing lead to another, and last night we went out on our first date. I just have to tell you about it, but I have certain obligations though, so let's get to the news," Luke says seriously.

\-----

"Alright, news done! Now, let's talk about the date. Calum and I met up in Old Town, and I was wearing my best tunic and furry pants. He had on a laid back 'weekend' lab coat. We were both beautiful in the late afternoon sunlight, each other's dreams met in a real world moment. Our destination was none other than Gino's Italian Dining Experience and Grill and Bar, the fanciest restaurant in town."

"It was a perfect day, other than the strange blot of darkness buzzing on the edge of town. But that was probably yet another Applebee's under construction. We went arm in arm into Gino's and were immediately seated, with no memory of who greeted us at the door or how we got to our table," Luke says.

"We were situated in a classy, understated and absolutely door less room; the full Gino's experience! Their menu is somewhat limited after the ban on wheat and Wheat By Products, so we each ordered a single portobello mushroom, served rare and bloody. As is the Gino's way. From the window, we had a great view of the sunset and the buzzing thing that seemed to have moved closer."

"'I've been thinking,' Calum said. 'Uh huh?' I said. 'Yeah that's what I've been doing lately,' He said. 'Thinking. It's part of being a scientist. What have you been up to?' And so we talked. Just us and our bleeding mushrooms, and the buzzing shadow presence, and a blooming haze of romance in the air."

"W-Hold on. Station management is apparently getting agitated...flailing around their office and howling? So I need to do more news real quick," Luke says hurriedly.

\-----

"Okay, boring stuff done. Let's get back to the date. We wrapped up dinner at Gino's with a slice of their invisible, tasteless carrot cake, which was light as air and resembled air in all other qualities as well. We asked for our check, before making our escape from the door less room by breaking the window, using the brick our waiter had provided us with for that purpose."

"Calum and I, oh the magic of that phrase, took a stroll through Mission Grove Park. I asked if he wanted to go for a round of screaming at the sky, a common park recreational activity. There was a group of people doing just that nearby. Calum declined, as he was scared of the sky yesterday."

"'If you want,' He said. 'We could do some tests on the trees. They seem normal, but given all that I've observed in this town, it's not likely that they are. Of course, I couldn't miss an opportunity to perform real science side by side with my Calum."

"While we ran our tests, our fellow parkgoers had gone silent, and turned into buzzing shadow things, completely void of light. Also, I accidentally stroked Calum's cheek, although I'm not sure if he noticed, after which he said the tests were complete, and that the trees were indeed normal. More from my date soon. But first: the weather."

(today's weather: Jinx by DNCE bc it's cute and also joe jonas)

\-----

"Let's get back into it, shall we? After the park, I drove him back to his lab, next to Big Rico's Pizza. The drive was...difficult, because at this point, it seemed that everyone in town but the two of us had become those shadow buzzing things."

"A lady came running at our car screaming, a few of the shadow people following, and before I even had a change to touch the brake, she seemingly changed her mind. She had already changed into a shadow person herself. It's like ugh, run from the shadow people or become one, make up your mind lady," Luke complains.

"We arrived outside of Big Rico's, and there as that awkward moment at the end of every date, where you pause outside of the person's door, and it's like 'should I call the city council and submit the standard end of date report or are you going to...?' Also, I was wondering if he would invite me into his lab to take a look at all those beakers, and humming electrical equipment."

"'Well,' He said. 'This is me.' 'Uh huh,' I said. 'I should probably do something about this shadow buzzing thing, to see if I can save the town.' 'Oh?' I said. 'Do you need any help with that?'"

"'No,' He replied. 'A scientist is self-reliant.' 'Oh, I said again. But softer, sadder. Which is when...he leaned forward, and kissed me. Just once, just gently. Just before slipping out of the car and into the lab."

"I'll tell you listeners, I was almost swallowed by shadow energy on the way home, but I hardly even noticed. I was so happy. I guess Calum managed to find a way to defeat the shadows, as everything seems pretty normal today."

"Night Vale, my sweet and only Night Vale, may you find love. May you find it wherever it has been hidden. May you find who has been hiding it, and plot revenge against them. As the old song goes, love is all you need to destroy your enemies. Finer words were never chanted. Good night, Night Vale. Good night," Luke finishes.

Luke grins, leaning back in his chair. Calum makes him so happy.

Suddenly, his phone buzzes. And oh...speak of the devil.

"Hello, smart stuff," He says cheekily.

"Heard you on the radio. You're so cute when you fawn over little old me," Calum smirks.

Luke blushes deeply. "You listened?! Nooo, this is so embarrassing!" He covers his red face with his free hand.

"I listen to you all the time. You're adorable. Also, you absolutely did not want to see my lab, you wanted to see the bedroom, didn't you?"

"Psh, what?! Labs are way more fascinating than...um...b-bedrooms," Luke says in a small voice.

"You're a liar. No one wants to see beakers that badly."

"I can be into science too!" Luke whines, but Calum just laughs his melodic laugh.

"Sure. Tell you what, come over and we'll whip up some chemistry in the lab right now."

"Are you serious? This isn't just a ploy to tease me and then take me on a lab tour?"

"Damn, exposed again," He jokes.

"Calum, are you serious though?"

"Yes I'm serious, you dork. As long as you don't tell your radio audience about it."

"Deal. And if anyone's the dork, it's you."

"Keep telling that to yourself, babe."

And Luke lit up like a full moon.

**Author's Note:**

> LMAO THIS WAS DUMB I BASICALLY WROTE THIS FOR MYSELF BYE
> 
> if ur confused about the weather bit it's basically just a song not real weather and I didn't wanna write down all the news shit bc bORING but anyways this was sO DUMB SO DUMB


End file.
